Errrr!
My life is like an open book someone dropped in shit.
I think about suicide constantly. But this is what I think about when the concept of knocking myself off comes to mind with that.
I'd have to be as bored as hell. Culturally, the consequences of suicide in the afterlife (to most cultures, especially ones that prize the young, health and child-bearing) are devestating. I think this is just because the people who have lose their loved ones want to punish them for wasting such precious life and causing such pain.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not bringing all this up because I'm a suicide freak, and am thinking about offing myself. No, dears. I am a karma freak. I sit around and think about what I've done wrong and how to make it right. That's my karma... it comes in the form of thinking, and always catches up with me.
{pauses to read tarot for a moment}
Wow, some cool people want to talk to me.
Anyways...
I really just want to play my guitar. All basic life functions boil down to that. No puking, sno stressing, no missed notes adn nothing else that's frustrating. J ust a life with only me and my guitar, my child. Yeah. The only thing I really need.
I am maniacal for it. I sit around and think all the time about what it would be like if I could only be as perfect at it as I wanted to be. A Rhodes, a Julian Bream and a Lily Afshar all rolled up into one big person. *sigh*
I guess I have to finally roll up my sleeves and admit to myself that I'm a while lot like my dad. That's probably the last person I wanted to be like, but the person I'm stuck with character-wise. Sickness-wise. Shit.
And the sad thing is, after all that bad karma and all the stuff that went down and everything he did to me, I still love him. I love him enough to want him to be around all the time, to tell him stupid jokes and to play my guitar for him. I know that I shake in front of retarded kdis and even old people (haha,) but he would be so proud if he could hear how well I've done. And then maybe I would really be a Julian Bream or a Joh n Williams or Manuel Barrueco, in some kind of way.
And not have to give up and hurt and throw up and puke up a big mas of lunch rice in front of little kids as Billy and Jenny help my sick ass back up to my room...
In blood and pain, giving birth to something that's not even alive yet as we speak...
Have you ever sat down and listened to Led Zeppelin III? A truly marvelous album. Listen to this line from, "That's the Way".
"And yesterday, I saw you standing by the river/and weren't those tears that filled your eyes/and all the fish that lay in dirty water dying/dhad they got you hypnotized?
"And yesterday, I saw you kissing tiny flowers/but all that lives is born to die/and so i say to you that nothing really matters/and all you do is stand and cry."
"I don't know what to say about it/when all your ears are turned away/but now is the time to look and look again at what you see/is that the way it oughta stay?
Now, how fucking beautiful is that? Sometimes I feel like the girl in that song. Just slipping away from everything, missing the beauty in front of me and wasting away. Other times, I forget everything that's happened for better or for worse, think about Kali and about running through the wild with people I ave never even known. Then I am free. I know that's the place I belong .. a difficult adjustment with people I've never seen or been with before, but that gradually accept me as one of their own. Primal, simple, understanding the connection betwee nature and man and that they are parts of one another. At least, a society that embraces that belief a hell of a lot mroe than this one does. Kalishnikovs, Thom Yorke said... dinosaurs crashing over the mountains An electronic takeover. Fuck. That's what's coming. Give me the simple stuff... a place where there's not even toilet paper. You have to stick your ass in a stream to get it clean.
I can't believe I am not playing guitat tonight for the old dying people. That place gives me the mega creeps. I am a non-bionic karma freak, and I just fucked myself over with the karma baton. Tape my mouth shut, please. I'm going crazy. I'm also going to bed.
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